11:27 p.m. --- 2012-04-04

ive been sick to death for a long time, worrying over maddening things. jealousy. rage. torment. i never knew that being in a very serious relationship would not only make me better, but make me uglier. i didn't know that mature relationships are less like a bottle at sea and more like a shovel, digging and digging and uprooting everything you may or may not want to surface again. i pray, please stop, please don't make me think of it, please don't let me drive by this spot anymore to get mexican food, and the shovel just keeps digging. it tells me to face it. it tells me to wake up and conquer my mind and my fears and my hates.

do you know what i mean? do you know what it's like to hate something so badly, because it's stripping you or the world or somebody else of something GOOD, that you are downright decrepit in all manners of thought, action, and ability?

kim heacox says something along the lines of, "when a friend dies, the earth no longer rotates, it wobbles."

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