2009-11-24 1:46 p.m.

our hot water doesn't work, so i am stricken with unshowered, prolific thoughts. well, fairly subtly prolific, cause who knows if i've got much labor left in me today. i don't want to go anywhere without my hood on. i don't even want to make a simple phone call that would enlighten me in many ways.

last night i took two sleeping pills and then my friend came over because his friend died an hour prior. she died, i kept thinking. we sat on my bed and talked for a long time, while i got frighteningly woozy after already being a little drunk so i can't say i know what i said to make him feel better. i think i just told him i didn't have any advice to offer and that advice on that subject probably didn't even exist. nonetheless, he stayed for a long time, leaning on my feet, under my blankets, shoulder to shoulder with me in my bed, and i think he may've wanted to cry but not in front of me. i'm glad my house is the first place he'll go to for comfort. he didn't want to sleep. i was glad he was there with me. i need people to reach me/allow me to reciprocate. i don't know if i've ever really touched anyone index finger to index finger, like there's a piece of glass in between both of our lives, and all we can do to get close is touch opposite sides of the same glass wall and stare.

you were right about letting things fall out, i censor myself. the other day when the sun was setting my friends started to load a bowl on the cliff we were sitting on, and i felt like that was a damn shame, because a sunset and a cliff are already beautiful, and you should look through the lens of your mind's eye and not through to lens of your red eye, yes, i know that may be offensive, but all my friends are potheads, and for fuck's sake i'm tired of being late for movies because they had to smoke a joint beforehand.

last night i went to a bonfire in my hometown, and it's a pretty long drive. long enough that i take books to read while driving. [dont do this.] i need audiobooks, but i like how paper feels too much. anyway. there were all these people there that i didn't know, and that was fine, but they were coming from a very, i guess, old thinking for me. i mean, i thought like that for a little while but i got very tired of it. and they only got the crumbs from someone else's first person idea, so they're not even authentically beautiful for thinking honesty and authenticity are trained attributes if you're attuned or whatever. (i don't know that they think that, really, but i think they're not trying to achieve something higher than their thinking that cynicism and aggression and humor make you intelligent, and that's where they're flawed.)

can i shout something to the world?

cynicism is among the most unattractive, most unwise, most pathetic traits there are.

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